Judith’s Blog

The last show of the year was quite horrible so that must mean this year will be fabulous! Many great things to come….

1. A series of oil paintings

2. A dvd for childbirth educators of birth photography

3. A etsy store with jewelry

4. Expand my knowledge of Pottery making

5. Create a children book of art

The last year ended with a dozen or so new encaustic paintings.

Breaking up is hard to do? This is in my opinion the understatement of the century. Leaving someone that you have loved, had children with and sharing the most intimate parts of your soul with, is Hell. I don’t believe in hell, but if I did, this is what it would be like.

Knowing what the right choice is and actually following through with it are two totally different things. I have never felt so scared yet brave at the same time.

Danette says it all so amazingly well in her latest blog,

http://www.danetterelic.com/drawingboard/2009/11/breaking-up-rituals-of-change.html

“And so, the dreams I had been building are becoming sand.  This sand will turn to pixie dust which will turn into new dreams, perhaps dreams that have been there all along, like tiny seeds of my heart’s desire.  In the meantime, many things are coming to a close and making way for new beginnings.

But before all the pixie dust and new beginnings, there is loss.

Loss to be noticed, acknowledged, felt and honoured.”

Grieving the loss of my love has been a growing experience unlike any other. It created a ripple effect that I had not expected, bringing out the best and the worst in those around me. In the end I can only make choices for myself. I feel the impact of the choice and it makes me weep. Ultimately all right choices in life are beneficial but it can take a journey of self discovery to get there.

I want to honour what I had with my partner, not sweep it away, hidden from the world and forgotten.

I bless you, father of my two wonderful boys.

Knowing you created magic and that will for

eternity be part of who I am. The fruits of our love are

the most amazing gifts the universe has ever given me.

We have changed, yet what we had will never change.

I will honor you and care for you as long as I live.

I am thrilled to have a photograph of mine featured on the cover of the latest Journal of the Association for Research on Mothering!

A copy of the journal can be ordered a:

http://www.yorku.ca/arm/vol11no1.html

My friend Rhonda commented on twitter “I’m not lazy, I just require alone time to gain inspiration. Once I’ve had time to just be, then I become internally motivated to just do.” I LOVE that! It seems absurd but today I feel reborn. Since immersing myself into parenthood every second of every minute for the last eight years, for the first time I am all alone in my house. It seems silly that such a small thing would have such a huge impact but I truly feel renewed. Both of my boys started school this week leaving me behind, a little scared, but also hopeful. After dropping them off at school this morning I spent several hours working in the vegetable garden before coming home. So what did I do on the first monumental day of QUIET? I stripped off all my cloths, got under the covers and slept for two hours. I love being a mother. Having a four year old with autism and a highly energetic seven year old makes life every so challenging and thrilling at the same time. But right now I have QUIET..I will gather inspiration and I will thrive creatively like never before. I will just be….

I am thrilled to have an encaustic painting featured on the cover of  the recently released Demeter Press book Captive Bodies by Mary Ruth Marotte. Demeter Press is the publishing division of the Association for Research on Mothering.   http://www.yorku.ca/arm/demeterpress.html

To order a copy of the book click here

My final show of the year 2008 has come and gone. All the excitement, anxiety and stress are over with, at least until the next show in early spring!  It’s been an interesting year in the art world. With the economy struggling, it’s been difficult for many artists to make a living. But it is also an exciting time. Change is in the air! Who knows what next year will bring? I am choosing to stay optimistic. Regardless of what will happen in this world I will never stop creating. It is part of me and always will be!

“There’s no retirement for an artist, it’s your way of living so there’s no end to it.”

Henry Moore

Originally posted on Motherverse Blog

I am apprehensive as I strap my two little boys into their car seats. I just want to get it over with as quickly as possible. My hands are sweaty and my stomach feels uneasy. What if I am caught? How will I explain my actions, not only to the authorities, but to the husband who had no idea what I am doing? “Ok,” I tell myself, “You can do this.  You are a strong independent woman.”

As I drive our ancient Volvo out of the drive way barely missing the mail box. I start to panic.

“Oh shit, what if I’m wrong? What if following my instinct is a mistake?  What if everyone else is right?” Struggling with my demons, we ride down the highway. I have been given specific instructions as to what time and where to meet. I do not know who I am meeting, what kind of car they will be driving. “How will I recognize them? What if I approach the wrong car? Double shit, I should have asked more questions.”

“Where are we going, Mama?” my five year old asks from the back seat.

“Out for a ride, my love.”  I respond cheerfully.

The Volvo’s oil lamp starts to flicker. “Not now!” I beg silently, “Please don’t let the car die on me”. It is at least 100 degrees out there and I am in no mood to see the AAA people again.

At last we drive into the parking lot of our local health food super market. I look at my watch, “Yep, we are right on time.” I park the car and wait. Five minutes pass, I start getting nervous again. I see several cars riding up and down seemingly looking for something. “Are they here for the same reason I am? How many of us are there?”  I have no idea. Okay, I am just being silly; they are probably just looking for parking.

Another five minutes pass. I see a van pull into the parking lot and park at the far end of the lot. No one gets out. I wait, still no one. “That must be them,” I tell myself. I pull out and slowly start driving towards the van, my heart pounding.

I envision myself as a bear mother, a mom on a mission. No matter what it takes, I am doing this for the welfare of my children, especially my youngest, who is Autistic.

“What are we doing!” whines the five year from the back seat. They are getting bored. The two year old starts fussing. “Damn it, this better be them.” I mutter under my breath.

As we pull up next to the van I notice that the windows are rolled down. I park the car and slowly start getting out. “This is it”, I tell myself. Just at that moment a man gets out

of the drivers seat throwing away a cigarette stub in the process. I stare; he gives me a startled look.  I can hear the five-year-old yelling, “Eweeeeeee, that man is smoking a cigarette. Doesn’t he know it’s bad for his teeth?”

Quickly I get back into the car. My little activist continues,   “He just threw the cigarette on the ground. Littering is bad for the earth!” he yells out the window.

As quick as I can, I pull out of the parking space and drive to the opposite end of the parking lot. “I am not doing this”, I decide, “We are going home.”

With a sigh of relief I drive towards the exit. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see them. I start to grin. I see two mamas in hippy skirts getting out of a beat up old mini-van. A half naked child climbs out of the back seat.

I roll down my window. “Hi, I’m Judith. I am on the list.” I say.

One of the mamas gives me a tired but happy smile. “We got it! Come around to the back and I will give it to you.”

I get out of my car and join them as they open the back of their mini van. I see that they have lined the back with large coolers. One of the coolers is opened and out comes what I have been anticipating for the past two weeks. They hand me my illegal gallon of raw cow milk and a half gallon of cream.  I am elated as I get back into the car.

“We did it boys!” I yell pulling out of the parking lot with my precious raw milk and cream safely sitting in the seat next to me. “We are going home!”

The selling and buying of grass fed raw cow milk is illegal in many States including North Carolina.

Originally posted my Motherverse Blog

I am working on a new group of photographs featuring mothers in the nude. I want to show the beauty of a female body that has given the gift of life. Society want us to hide our post-birth bodies yet I think they are beautiful….the marks left on our bodies tell the world, look what I have done, I am a goddess, I have given life!

I start by calling up some friends…hey, will you come over and pose nude so I can photograph your stretch marks? The reactions I got were mixed but last Saturday three friends and I met in my studio for a test shoot. (By studio I mean my living room, minus the couch that I had dragged into another room. Sheets pinned to the walls are my backdrops. Studio just sounds so much more glamorous!)

No one has money for child care so five children under the age of 6 are milling around the house. I explain to my friends what I would like them to do amidst, doling out snacks, nursing love bug and trying to figure out the settings on my new camera lens.  I am starting to sweat, it’s a hot one today and I only got three hours of sleep. I am tired and grumpy. One of the moms is delayed to I jump in as a substitute for the first few shots. Time to try out the time release shutter on the camera!

The logistics of any photo shoot with five young children in the house is a challenge to say the least. So many exposed breasts equal so many requests for nursies!  Hurray Mama is naked, those breast are mine!

There is snack time, potty time, snuggle time, fights, tantrums plus the occasional husband calling.

While trying to arrange the ladies as the Three Graces by Raphael screams of horror disrupt among the Graces. Why is there a man coming down your drive way? Sigh… It was my husband. I had not told him about the photo shoot since he never comes home early. But of course this was the day he decides to take off work early and surprise us. He is greeting at the door with a chorus of screams, a naked wife and several wild children tearing around the house. Without much fuss he disappeared into the upstairs bedroom but not without giving me one of his, what the hell are you doing, looks.

Despite the madness I still managed to get a few good shots. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it but then when I go look at the pictures and I find a few that manage to express what I was looking for my heart leaps!

Originally posted on Motherverse Blog

I have a placenta in my freezer. It is not mine. Wrapped in several plastic bags unmarked, amidst the frozen vegetables, waffles, and bags of basil pesto it sits. Last night I tell the husband.

“We have a placenta next to the vegi’s on the bottom shelf of our freezer. Don’t thaw it out or eat it. It belongs to Jennifer.”

The husband gives me one of his I can’t believe you just said that looks. I open my mouth to offer more information.

“I don’t want to hear it…just..shut up..I don’t want to talk about it!” the husband responds walking away in disgust. I wonder why he is so squeamish. Maybe if he spent every minute of his day taking care of two small children, two cats, a dog and a handful of fish his sense of humor would mirror mine more.

“Oh honey what I day I had today, the cat threw up twice (don’t step in it I have not had a chance to clean it up yet) Evan had a poop accident on the living room floor, Elliot stepped in the dog’s poop and smeared it all over the front porch. I had a nose bleed and the dog brought in something disgusting from the yard, we are not sure where she hid it though so you might want to take a look around before sitting down. Welcome home!”

Without a sense of humor being a mama would drive me mad!

Back to the placenta in my freezer: Jennifer is leaving for Norway today with her three kids and husband in tow.

I wanted to buy a special tree and plant the placenta under it in our yard but I never got around to it she comments as we are cleaning out her fridge and freezer. I am to take home the perishables including the placenta.

“I thought I had two placentas in here! What happened to the other placenta? Chris, what happened to Aidan’s placenta I can’t find it anywhere?” she yells to her husband in the other room.

“Beef stew?” I ask cheerfully.

“Lots of vitamins and minerals, aren’t you reading Nourishing Traditions? Should be right up your ally.” Jennifer response as we start cackling.

“But Jennifer, you are not organic.” We laugh as I throw the placenta into one of my bags. After several other highly inappropriate jokes about eating body parts, etc. we notice Chris standing at the kitchen door.

“You guys are so gross!” he comments.

True, but I think that tends to go along with sleep deprivation, being overworked and understaffed. You got to find humor in something!

“Jennifer, I love you! You go conquer the world but don’t forget to come back to us. I have your placenta in my freezer!”

Originally posted on the Motherverse Blog

I find it useful to image my life as one large ocean. It has become a coping strategy for me. Life, all its ups and downs, crazy twists and moments of immense joy, yet the next minute finding yourself in a deep dark place filled with strange creatures that have big teeth. Ok, so I have been watching the Blue Planet lately but I find the analogue fitting to my life as a mother and artist.

I dream that I am running, trying to catch up with my life. I never quite do but in a way it’s a beautiful thing, though it has taken me a while to realize this. My house is a mess, the cat just threw up, I have articles to write and orders to finish, the boys are yelling and I forgot to change my underwear again. Yup that’s me…in the ocean bobbing up and down. At first I struggle, trying with all my might to stay above water…but the more I struggle the harder it gets to stay afloat. So I let myself go, down into the deep parts of the ocean, my body limp and my mind focused. I look around and once my eyes have gotten used to the dark I discover all kinds of original thoughts and ideas, I learn things about myself and those around me that inspire me to be a better person.

Slowly I float back up to the surface to face the sunlight with new energy and creativity. I have let go of the daily struggle to be everything to everyone and just let myself be.

So in the circle of life I find that I need the ocean to teach me about who I am and what is important in my life. It is so easy to lose site of who you are in the midst of mothering so next time life seem to be running too fast just let yourself sink down to the still dark ocean floor to just be.

Originally posted on the Motherverse Blog